I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
