if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I forget how to act sober
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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