When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
