the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
