I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
