Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
