Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
