Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
