how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
