it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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