I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
