Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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