Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
