i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
