I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
not ubering you a puppy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
