I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
