I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
