I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
