that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
