we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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