I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
