I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
