I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
