im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
did i just pee glitter
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
