A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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