your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
