I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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