I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
