I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
