I CAN MOONWALK!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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