he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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