i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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