my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
