Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
