if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
