she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
