And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
