I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
a search helicopter?!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
