I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
