my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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