The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
