is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
