this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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