Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
