this boner is exhausting
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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