The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I understand Curling. That high.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
