Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
