Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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