I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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