Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
