oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
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