i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
