I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
