why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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